I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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