Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
