Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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