Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
