Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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