I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
