Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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