yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
