yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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