I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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