the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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