last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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