last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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