No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
