"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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