His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Two words: nipple clamps
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