we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
