I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Even my vagina gasped.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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