Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep