There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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