when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack