i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
