I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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