Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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