sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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