Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
