Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
