Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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