Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
