Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
