i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.