my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo