Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
