You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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