apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Shame is for Republicans.
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