Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
