he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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