I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just had sex on a roof
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
