Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
