Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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