i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
