My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
