Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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