So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
