Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
