We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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