So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just tell him i said nine months
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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