i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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