Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
