awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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