You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
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I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
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We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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