I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
