I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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