she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
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i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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