you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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