Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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