he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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