I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
