im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
