you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
