Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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